The Android's Day Off
by ChronicallyinFlaming
Summary: The androids, before running into Cell, deciding to take a vacation from sort-of chasing down Goku. It's hard work, okay? Featuring shopping and zoos and a race to see which android or cyborg is driven insane first.


The Android's Day Off

(not that they really had a job)

(and no, killing Goku is not a job, it's more of a hobby)

* * *

Juuhachigou was expressionless. She did not meet anyone's eye, nor did she look too closely into the mirrors. The last thing she wanted to see was her dressed in this outfit.

So of course all the cars they passed were sparkling, and so clean and shiny you could see yourself in them. Down to the pores. And when they got stuck in traffic, surrounded by these mirrors-on-wheels, it was on a bridge over a clear gorgeous lake that reflected her misery.

Besides her, Juunanagou managed to contain his amusement to a smirk.

Had he remained silent, Juuhachigou might have thanked him for being so considerable. But then again, what were brothers for?

"Nice tassels."

The smart thing to do was just ignore him."Shut up."

"No, really, you look good."

"Shut up."

"What, did your cowboy hat fall out of the window?"

"Shut up."

"I had no idea we were going to a barn dance."

"Shut up."

"So, are you going to ride a bull at the rodeo?"

"I'm going to shove one of these ridiculous boots up your ass."

"Where's the rest of the Yee-haw gang?"

"Yippee ki yay." Juurokugou said emotionlessly from the back.

"Shu-" Juuhachigou did a double-take towards the back of the van.

"Alright. You get that one. This one time."

"You know what, we deserve some time off."

"From what?"

"This. Look how hard we're working at finding Goku."

"Are you joking." His sister was the only person who could make a question into an insult so perfectly that it needed no question mark.

"No, really. We deserve a fun break from this. To do whatever we want before killing Goku." Juunanagou turned around in his seat to look at them. "Come on, what do you guys want to do?"

"And who knows, maybe we'll find him on the way?"

Juurokugou got the first vote. He was weaker than them, and something about his large size and weakness tickled the twins. It was like a hundred pound puppy that rolled over as soon as you rolled up a newspaper. You nearly wanted to ruffle his Mohawk.

"The zoo."

"The zoo?"

"The zoo."

The two in the front exchanged small, condescending smiles. "Alright. _The zoo_."

"We'll find a zoo then."

Juurokugou smiled, and nearly bounced up and down. Which made driving straight very difficult.

They found one, eventually. The much larger completely synthetic android pointed out the signs, and Juunanagou for once didn't mind the backseat driving. Almost there, the van's dashboard lit up with a can signal.

"Are you going to refill the tank?"

"Eh," he shrugged. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

* * *

After a half hour, they managed to push the van into the nearest gas station. Juuhachigou had complained the entire time, and she was still bitching. "Do you even know how to put gas in the tank?"

"How hard could it be?"

He snorted when she rolled her eyes and walked into the gas station. Juurokugou followed her, as though he was a bodyguard. Ridiculous, but still, people parted before them.

From behind this side of the clear glass, he watched them go through assorted fried foods and pastries. She pointed something out to the much larger man, something dry and witty that was visible from even this distance, pulling a hotdog from a small oven. Juurokugou seemed to respond bluntly, and Juuhachigou looked disturbed. His sister put down a hotdog and didn't look back at it.

Juunanagou felt almost affection for them, and realized what a fine idea this had been. They needed a break, to rid themselves of Gero's taint.

Gently, he squeezed at the gas nozzle. It was like a trigger, which made him grin a little. This was fun. So were so many other human things. Why had Juuhachigou thought he couldn't do this?

He spilled about a quart of it down the front of his pants. The smell was surprisingly stronger than he'd thought.

Juunanagou looked up from his newly stained jeans. Goddamnit.

Juuhachigou, luckily, was too busy going through the chip section to notice him. Juurokugou waved, then stopped and looked confused once he saw the darkened crotch. Juunanagou waved a dismissive hand back and then went towards the back of the gas station. It was a decent sized place. There was a oil change shop back here and everything. No one was in sight, and even better, the backrooms were large. It was empty and Juunanagou realized that even with this setback, clearly this day was meant to be awesome.

He took off his pants.

His underwear was orange and had the typical Red Ribbon ensign on the front. "Damnit, Gero."

He couldn't quite look himself in the spotted mirrors. The sinks were too dirty even for him to consider resting his jeans on them. Then he realized he was a living hanger and threw the pants around his neck.

There were abandoned clothes in a box nearby. A pink shirt caught his eye and he grabbed it, wondering if he should bring it back Juuhachigou. She would never wear such a thing, but he could tease her with it. 'Hey, I tried to bring you something you'd like, why are you so angry at me being a good brother?'

Damnit, it had gotten on his shirt too. Juunanagou pulled it off as well.

"Juunanagou?"

The android turned slowly.

The short, bald man looked at Juunanagou. At his gas stained shirt held in one hand, the pink shirt in the other, the pants thrown around his neck, the orange underwear, taking it all in.

The dark, slim man looked at Krillin. At his terrible noseless face that was full of terror and hope, the awful obnoxious clothes, the big ears that stuck out, the magazine about 'winning over the bad girls in your life,' taking all of it.

A realization hit him, as though his sister had popped up behind a dumpster, armed with a rifle, and shot him in the back of head-just like when they were children. Juunanagou understood that this creature had something about him that made other humans respond by hurting him, something not built into his genes, but into the genes of those around him.

Much like people would panic if a fire broke out by crushing those underfoot while they fled without a care for others, people instinctively wanted to hurt him. Juunanagou was not human any more, yet he still wanted to slam this man's face into that burning, spinning hotdog tray. Maybe it _was_ in the DNA?

No wonder his sister had kissed him.

He knew his sister better than anyone. She was his other half. There was nothing she did that could truly shock him.

It had been just another way to hurt this man.

But still, there was something in this very short man's dark eyes that caught the eye. He was hard to ignore exactly, once you'd spotted him. He got under your skin, and now Juunanagou had a hard time looking away from him. It was terrible annoying.

"We could...we could pretend we never saw each other?"

"I agree."

Juunanagou never knew there could be such awkwardness in the world. Especially attached to his actions. It was almost impressive.

"So..."

"So."

Would the squirt want to give him a lecture on being a good, responsible member of the community? Juunanagou didn't have the energy for such bullshit. Even if he'd been wearing pants.

Which was a good idea actually. He pulled on his jeans, ignoring the wet spots with a dignity that surprised even himself. People were entering the bathroom, only to stare and back away slowly, then running as the door slid closed.

"So."

"So. Is Juuhachigou around?" There was an awful hope on his moon face.

"Get the hell away from me before I kill you."

Krillin ran out immediately. Juunanagou snorted. Then he removed his pants and ran them and the shirt under hot water.

* * *

The breaks screamed as the wheels slowed to a stop, leaving behind an inch of burning rubber. Parking took forever, and by the time they got out, even the smell of various things being shoved into a deep-fryer was intoxicating. Garbage crunched underfoot, and blew past their faces.

"Well, we missed the zoo. But there should be animals here."

Juuhachigou looked around, her expression already clear that she considered herself better than anyone and anything in this place. She was, of course, but that didn't mean she had to ruin _their_ time. She'd already made them miss the zoo, refusing to push the van the fifty miles needed.

"There's a petting zoo," Juurokugou informed them tonelessly, reading off a discarded map he'd found stuck to his leg.

"To the left."

"I think it's to the right."

"Straight ahead," he told them.

Kids ran screaming underfoot. Adults just screamed. It was hard not to blow anything up. A waste of power, and one that might attract the earth's fighters, but he was sick of hearing crying because a child wasn't getting its way. Just give the kid a deep-fried Twinkie and move on.

At the petting zoo, Juuhachigou complained about the smell, until she was finally talked into hand feeding a baby sheep, which she did blank faced, but no longer bitching. He laughed at the ridiculous image of his twin with a lamb, until a goat came after his belt buckle and gun. All the animals loved Juurokugou, and a crowd of them circled him, mooing and cawing and growling and baaing. Eventually, they were asked to leave when the baby goats began to knaw at the large android, and Juunanagou tried to feed one of the piglets to the snake in its clear container with its shockingly easy to open top.

After a few minutes of wandering the fair, bouncing between the food and souvenir stands, they found the rides. Juunanagou coughed up the money for the larger android to go on one, while he adjusted his giant green novelty cowboy hat, and offered his sister some of his nachos. She knocked them aside, starting to complain again. "These are just kiddy rides."

But the two cyborgs waved at Juurokugou as he passed on the merry-go-round. He was so large he could straddle both of the horses that were placed side by side. Sticky children gazed up at him with huge eyes. They looked at him in awe, flinching or gazing back wordlessly when he smiled and nodded at them. Parents grabbed their brats and pulled them away, not quite sure why they were so edgy around the large, good-natured man.

He waved back. "You two find something to have fun with."

Their responsibility having been lifted, Juunanagou and Juuhachigou then turned on their heels. Above them, a huge green dragon-shaped coast loomed. Easily, it was the largest rollercoaster the place had to offer.

"It's called The Scrambler," Juunanagou said, smugly, reading off the map Juurokugou had left. "Bet you can't take it."

"Oh please. It's just a carnival ride."

But still, they looked up at the rollercoaster instead of moving.

"Let's just wait for Juurokugou."

But Juuhachigou pulled him along. For the first time since perhaps fighting the pathetic saviors of the planet, she had a look of enjoyment and excitement on her face. She looked almost as normal as the other teenagers around them. Only her terrible clothes made her stick out, and Juunanagou almost felt bad for her having to wear that. The boots really were ridiculous.

"I bet it'll be fun." There was also a dare in her eyes.

So they waited, and waited in the hot sun until actual sweat gathered on their brow. He got another stick of cotton candy, "_Hold my spot,"_ while his sister huffed and muttered threats about what she could do to this place if she had to wait another fifteen minutes in this heat. Poppy, fast music came from discreet speakers, and when he nodded along with the tune, Juuhachigou kicked and mocked him.

When they reached the front of the line, it was his turn to whine. The seats were too small, and made Gero's capsule look to be a fifteen hundred square foot house, complete with a laundry room and two bathrooms.

He didn't realize it until he was encased into the plastic, a hard metal bar digging into his stomach, safe from any bumps that might occur, (although they hadn't for twenty years, but who knew?) what the ride exactly consisted of. You did not just go flying into the air at a high speed and through turns and twists at a breakneck rate, you also spun around at random moments. Because clearly going fast enough to bring tears to your eyes on a creaky metal ride while the people around you screamed, well, that was not enough.

Juuhachigou had once accused him of being a danger junky who had the sanity of a twelve year old on sugar. But when he looked around, he saw young teenagers gaping white faced at them, and the only people on the ride had tattoos and piercing, and were missing only the huge scratched motorcycles to complete the leathery image. He felt a moment of nostalgia looking at them, for something he couldn't remember. Then a small, tiny, moment of something like doubt. People like this were used to pain and being in near death situations, weren't they?

The ride began moving forward. The pace was steady, and he nearly rolled his eyes when someone whooped when the car they were melted into started going downward. Then it went up and to the left, then the right. Speed was picked up. They went right some more.

Then

Down

then toooooooooooo the rrrrrrriiiiiighhhhhhht.

Then back to the left.

then to the riiiiiiggggggght. right. right. right. right. right.

Then

B

a

c

k

d

o

w

n.

Then the car spun around.

"I really don't feel good."

The world needed to steady itself, immediately. Besides him, Juuhachigou laughed harder. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him, howling in enjoyment. Her hideous boots struck the metal sides of their precious ride, making the entire thing shake.

His nachos were not staying in place.

Nor were the corn dogs.

The fried dough did not approve of being moved at this velocity.

And dear Kami, why had he had so much cotton candy.

Juunanagou's eyes slammed shut. He imagining the pink sugar being spun into a sticky froth, around and around and around, and it was turning out not to be sticky enough.

* * *

Juuhachigou kept the hose pointed to her boots. Even after there was surely not a molecule of carnival food on them.

"I hate you."

He personally felt a lot better. "Kami, why don't you go find some hairless midget to kiss?"

Her whole body went stiff. To Juunanagou's mingled horror and shock and amusement, there was color flooding her cheeks. Something dangerous flashed in those familiar eyes. But of course, just like at the petting zoo, Juunanagou could not resist poking the animals to see if they would try and rip an appendage off. Only since she was not a fluffy bunny, there was an actual sense of danger.

"Shut up."

"Really, why don't you go find that noseless weirdo to make out with?"

"I'm warning you." The hose was held in a white-knuckled fist.

"I had no idea that was your type."

"So, I guess I know why you didn't beat him up then."

"When's the wedding? Before or after we kill Goku?"

"Can I be the best man, or will Son's corpse do the duty?"

"Hey, Juurokugou?" The slim youth nudged the other android in the hip. "You wanna walk Juuhachigou down the aisle? Or maybe we can find what's left of Gero's corpse and-"

The green-and-black clad giant nodded to the blonde woman solemnly. "I would be honored."

She turned the hose on them both.

* * *

Juuhachigou went next.

"What do I want dear brother?"

"You know what I want. What I deserve."

"No."

"Yes."

"Anything but that."

"I will have it, Juunanagou."

"I forbid it."

"You will take me there."

"Never."

"Damnit, Juunanagou," And for the first time he could remember from what scattered memories remained of their earlier life, Juuhachigou had a tantrum. Her fist slammed into his side hard enough to shake the entire van.

"All I want is to go shopping!"

"Isn't never just," the dark haired twin wheezed "Just shopping for a second. You take forever."

"I'm stuck in a van with my brain dead brother, the goddamn _bird_ _whisperer_ back there," she motioned to Juurokugou, who was currently humming a tune that had played overhead at the carnival. It went hmm, mmm, hmm, mmmmmm, do da, over and over again. "I will go shopping Juunanagou."

"Oh yes. I will have this."

Juunanagou coughed, tasting blood. "Me brain damaged? _I'm_ the brain damaged one!"

"_What_ are you talking about?"

"_You have a thing for Krillin_," he shrieked.

She launched herself at him, making the van rock wildly. Her heel dug into his ankle and he grabbed a hank of her hair. "I do not I do not I do not!"

"I'm stronger than you!" But his voice quivered.

"I do not-" Her mouth moved wordlessly for a second. "I'll kill you!"

A fist the size of a large ham grabbed the back of Juuhachigou's fringed jacket, and he felt its brother tugged at his shirt. They lost interest in each other, as they were thrown into the windows, in separate directions. Juunanagou decided to just let Juurokugou have this one. After all, he was the strongest being on the planet and could afford to be nice to his fellow androids. No matter if Juunanagou was actually a cyborg. Semantics. His head really hurt.

Besides, the van was currently heading onto oncoming traffic.

"Alright, fine." He rubbed at his neck while his sister did the same.

"We'll go shopping."

"Only," Juunanagou was willing to barter, to some degree. There was nothing he could do to stop her anyway. The least he could do was get something for him. "Only if we can go to the stock car races afterward."

The lighter-haired twin sighed and weighed her decision. Nothing she did was spur of the moment...which put things like kissing that little bald man into a whole new disturbing light. As though he'd turned on a flash light to read some funny graffiti written on the wall of an alley, and instead found a dead homeless man. Juunanagou decided not to dwell on it. Healthier that way. The stench of it, much like the deceased hobo, was too terrible to focus on. "Alright. Fine. Just for a little while. We'll watch one car crash, and that's it."

This time, no one pointed out the signs. Juuhachigou just looked more and more pleased with herself. By the time he pulled into the parking lot, she was grinning.

They'd found the largest mall in the hemisphere.

The blonde android needed no good-byes.

Juuhachigou looked smug and victorious, even though she hadn't yet closed the door behind her. She rarely was so pleased, outside of beating up Vegeta. Even the sound of his arm being broken, crushed, hadn't brought such a look of joy to her face.

"I swear, if you take two hours again, I'll leave you behind.

"I swear it!" He yelled at her disappearing back.

"Buy me new socks!

"And underwear!

Three hours passed.

The pink van, never pleasantly fragrant, began smelling even more like food left in the sun for days, and vaguely, like fish. There were no boxes of food left, but still it stank. Even when Juunanagou rolled down what was left of a window. Even when Juunanagou rolled down the other window. Even when Juurokugou punch out both back windows.

"What, dear Kami, is that? Is that onion? Rotting tomatoes?"

"What the hell were they keeping back here?"

Juurokugou did not answer, and for once this was a relief.

The androids possessed limitless energy, were immune to heat and coldness, could hold their breath for hours at a time. They were the most perfect creations on this entire earth. Yet, still, Juunanagou was sweating, unable to breathe through his nose, and felt sick. _Gero_, he reminded himself, _was a liar._

He watched a human man hacking up his lung while lighting up a cigarette, a bird with its throat caught in a plastic wrapper that went around the tops of soda, a dog being sick into a pile of overflowing garbage, and felt only envy and a sense of familiarity. It was terribly humbling, and he damned Juuhachigou for this sudden empathy.

For a second, the youth wished that coward was here, to shove in front of a car or to tease or simply murder in the bloodiest way he could think of. Slowly skinning him, or using a ki blast to blow off parts of his body. All while reading parts of his magazine aloud, over his frantic, pain-filled screaming. "Oh, but Krillin, don't you know that in order to date my sister, you have to pass my qualifications?"

If that car hadn't smelled so bad, Juunanagou would have lowered his seat, to lay back and dream of the possibilities of driving his car over Krillin, and backing up. Slowly.

She would have to pay for this somehow. No matter how many pairs of socks she bought him.

"At least this time, I didn't have to carry anything."

Juunanagou thought on that for awhile, remembering scattered times of having to carry boxes to and fro stores, balancing them while his sister yelled at people to get out of the way, threw things every way, and screamed at her brother for dropping her things.

Back when they were human, her emptying his wallet without a word of thanks.

Back when they'd recently become androids, her not thanking him for sending a ki blast at the security guards.

"I should have gone in with her," the dark-haired youth said to himself, as Juurokugou hurried out of the car to help the bird.

"No. This is ridiculous."

He was paler than usual, and his hands shook as they started the ignition. Juurokugou got back into the van, making the vehicle's front stick up momentarily. Resting on his shoulder was the recently saved bird. Juunanagou tried to imagine his sister's reaction to that, as opposed to her face when she finally walked out of the mall and found the van missing.

She would shriek and shriek and scream about diseases and bacteria and Juunanagou's crime would be forgotten.

"I warned her," he repeated. "If you don't follow through on a threat, then it's just a suggestion."

The van started and began shifting forward at a snail's pace.

"She has to learn."

They crept forward, out of their parking spot, inch by inch.

"How angry could she be?"

After a half-hour of circling the parking lot, Juunanagou finally said, "Well, let's find a way onto the road."

* * *

When he saw his sister's face, pale, eyes blood red, he did not scream. Juunanagou was Dr. Gero's finest creation and the strongest being in the universe. Unparalleled in both strength and style. He was the leader of this group. This planet was his bitch. Therefore, he only uttered a small cry and drove into a ditch.

They missed a tree by the slimmest foot. For a brief moment, he applauded himself for his great skill. Then the van the next tree nearby.

There was a fluttering of wings, and as his vision was blocked by black wings and claws everywhere only the barest edge of sanity allowed Juunanagou to find and open the door and crawl out. The screaming thing finally flew from his head.

They looked at the front, watching smoke rise to the clear sky, like a bird escaping a man's hair.

"Goddamnit, Juunanagou, I completely left all the stuff I bought-"

"Stole."

"Back at the parking lot!"

"I said two hours. I warned you."

Her fingers turned to claws. The dark-haired twin could take her in a fight, but there was something in her stance that spoke of torn eyes and ripped muscle tissue in precious places.

"Funny how you managed to find a new outfit though," he motioned to her clothes, "How many clothes do you need?"

"Both of you," Juurokugou's face was grim. "You scared off my bird friend." He turned on them, eyes slits of dead blue as his shadow fell across them. They'd forgotten how very tall he was. He was a lesser creation, but there was something about him looming overhead that could be almost intimidating.

He did not frighten them though.

"I like your outfit," Juunanagou said, meekly.

"Thank you," Juuhachigou said quickly.

"I bought you socks. I did. But I think they went flying when we hit that tree."

"I hate trees."

"Yeah."

They did what they could for the car. But when Juunanagou turned the key, it rumbled tiredly, like a dying, graying beast. "Well, I guess I got to see a car crash."

"Let's find Goku."

"His house," Juurokugou told them helpfully, "Isn't far from here."

"Alright, everyone into the van then."


End file.
